friday.

this is just a jumble of thoughts. i am certainly not even qualified to talk about this, nor do i claim to be. 

but what happened here on early friday morning has changed a little part of me.

i woke up to a message friday morning from allie, a close friend who lives in canada, saying that she had heard what happened and that she hoped we were all okay. having gone to bed early the night before, i had no idea what she meant. so i opened up the news and i saw. and i ran downstairs and turned on the tv. and i just sat in front of the tv and cried. 

in the 12 years that i've lived in colorado, our state has known unbelievable tragedies. i vividly remember the day columbine happened, and even closer to home, the day emily keyes died. 

but perhaps because i'm older, and perhaps because it happened at a place that i love so much, the shootings at aurora hit even harder. 

this event is something i will never understand. on friday morning i sobbed on my drive to work, and i cried out to god because i cannot understand this. 

the youngest that i nanny asked me exactly what happened, and telling her was horrible. horrible. i wish i could say that is the last time i have to do that, but i know it won't be. i know that someday i will have to explain a senseless tragedy to my own kids, the way my parents did with me. 

i echo what i said on friday: i am sick and i am sad. i am sick for the families who lost their loved ones, the kids who lost their fathers and mothers, the wives who lost their husbands, the parents who lost their children. i am sick that this happened at a place that is safe, that should be safe. i am sad that going to the movies is something that scares us now. i don't want these 12 people to just become names on another list.

i have spent some time away from the internet, from tumblr and twitter and here, for two reasons.

the first is that it just felt wrong to be talking about anything else. it felt trivial and insensitive. the second is that it allowed me to go spend more time with my family and those i love. 

i have heard that blessings come from curses, and i believe this is true. but i am not ready to call anything about this a blessing yet. 

 i will say that it has reminded me just how fragile our lives are. we say this every time a tragedy happens, and for a few days we live our best lives, but then we forget. i don't want to forget.

i cried when i heard nick's voice on friday morning on the phone, i cried when i called my dad. 

i held everyone close that day, for just a little bit longer than usual.

and every day since then, i've been asking myself, "is this important? is picking this fight, arguing this thing i won't even remember tomorrow, important? if something were to happen tomorrow, is this what i would want to my last words to someone?" and it's not. 

i don't even know how to end this. 

let's just remember the 12 who lost their lives. let's remember to be kind to those around us. and let's remember to love well. 

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