Sunday, May 20, 2012

what were you THINKING?

guys, remember when dr. phil used to be a good show?
ok, well. remember when it wasn't like jerry springer?
and how he always used to go, "what were you thinking?!"

well, today i am dr. phil and i would like to say, 
what were you thinking? to what i believe are some of the worst movies around.
you see, yesterday paige and i went on a little movie buying spree (bought some winners) and as i was browsing all the movies, i came across some movies that made me do what lauren and i call "jaw lock" and at one point i slapped my leg to emphasize my hatred as i screamed, "I ~HATE THAT MOVIE."
(i'm nothing if not dramatic.)

as i walked around the store i started to record a voice memo to myself to remember all these horrendous films, and i'm sure i looked crazy muttering movies titles in my phone.
so since i love making lists (i even have a list on my phone titled "men whose faces bother me") here's a list of what i believe are some of the worst movies i have ever seen.
warning: if i insult a movie you love, please don't take it personally. it's not an attack against you. sometimes it just happens. it's like that time i loved country strong so much it hurt and everyone was like "LOL REMEMBER HOW COUNTRY STRONG SUCKED? ANYONE WHO LIKES THAT MOVIE IS DUMB LOL!!!!!111!1!!!1" so now i just keep my love for it to myself, other than right now when i just declared it publicly on my blog.

OKAY, here we go.

1. american dreamz

 once upon a time, three great people came together to make one of the worst movies of all time. i shook my fist in the air, cursing the people who approved this atrocity screaming, "dennis, why?! mandy, why?! HUGH, WHY?!" the review by peter hammond on the front says "an outrageously funny film." so now we must hunt down peter hammond. 
okay, i'm slightly exaggerating. but honestly, this movie really had potential to be something pretty comical, but i just ended up with my face in my hands chanting "never again. never again."

bear with me on this one. i know people loved it. i know the academy loved it. i know some of you might probably love it. but truthfully y'all, this movie was an enormous train wreck for me. i didn't even want to see it, but a friend of mine was going with her family and invited me along, so i said yes. big mistake. maybe it's the fact that i didn't know it was going to be like 6 hours long, or maybe it's the fact that brad pitt used to be the love of my life but now he makes my skin crawl, or maybe it's the fact that underneath it all this is an intriguing story but a story that makes me overwhelming hollow and sad. either way, at the end of it i felt like it was 3 hours of my life i'll never get back.

3. push

oh, push. baby chris evans, why did you do this movie? honestly, it's a pretty good concept, but was just really poorly executed. that weird scene with that screaming asian guy, the way chris evans could lift guns without using his hands, those outrageously comical drawings dakota fanning did, it was all just bad. 

once, long ago, nick and i went and saw this on our second date. and guys, i'm sorry, but it is terrible. partially because i've just reached an age where the sight of matthew mcconaughey has me gagging (exceptions: how to lose a guy in 10 days and the wedding planner) but partially because it is just a bad movie. also, let's all agree that saying the name of the movie is not exactly a walk in the park. i mean, say it out loud right now. really, say it. comes out weird, right? (nick now just refers to it as "ghosts and girlfriends") 

full disclosure: i didn't put the official movie poster up because i just can't have the face of dwayne "the rock" johnson up on my blog. here's a thing about me: i hate dwayne "the rock" johnson. i do. i honestly do. i've been told by people who know people that met him that he's a great guy. and you know what? honestly, i'm sure he is. but that doesn't change my opinion about him. those who know me compare their hatred of anything to my hatred of him. seriously. so anyways, for me this movie had 3 strikes already  going into it: dwayne johnson, vanessa hudgens, and luis guzmán. (also, giant bees.) but it did have one gold star, one shining diamond in the rough: josh hutcherson. but y'all, even the illustrious josh couldn't save this movie. it was too far gone. at one point nick leaned over to me and said, "i'm sorry, but this is the  low point for josh." and i have to agree. the special effects were weird, i saw luis guzmàn fall into a gross lizard egg, i spent the entire movie trying to figure out what the actual plot was, they rode on giant bees, and dwayne johnson was in it. just skip this one, dear friends. just skip it entirely. 

okay, i think we can all agree that lindsay hasn't done anything worth our while since mean girls. herbie fully loaded made me cringe, i didn't even try to stomach labor pains, and that i know who killed me movie had me staring with my mouth open the entire time thinking "my god, what has happened." and just my luck is no exception. sure, it's not the worst movie in the entire world. but it's certainly not the best. 

as a general rule of my life, i tend to avoid movies where gerard butler shows off what a man he is. i also tend to avoid movies where katherine heigl is a neurotic mess who somehow turns out to be lovable despite all her crazy quirks (aka i avoid all katherine heigl movies.) but for reasons unbeknownst to me, i saw this movie. and it was gross and it was weird and i thought they made a horrible couple but. that's just me.

what were you thinking. 

i chose not to put this movie poster up because it is creepy and i don't want it on here. guys this movie is seriously awful. i didn't even want to see it, but last year when my roommates and i were in indiana we were with some friends who basically forced us to watch it. i hate scary movies, and for about the first 20 minutes it was terrifying. but then it just started to get weird. then it went from weird to comical and i was like, "is that a man dancing around in a devil costume?!" don't see it y'all. just don't.

guys i'm gonna be honest with you. this movie might actually be okay and i wouldn't even know it. because i am too traumatized by what happened to care about anything else that happened in it. i know that the rest of the movie is supposed to be uplifting or whatever, but after what happens in the beginning, there is no coming back. if you haven't seen this movie, basically it is a true story about a plane crash that kills an entire football team and it is completely devastating. true life: i watched this movie with my parents years ago and at one point my dad had to get up from his chair and come hold me because i was so inconsolable. so anything that makes me cry so hard that i break blood vessels in my face is a movie that i hate. 

runners up: life or something like it, something borrowed, when in rome, anything with nicholas cage in it.

i'm sure that i have forgotten plenty, but have you seen any of these? do you agree?
tell me what you think are some of the worst movies you've ever seen, i'd love to know.  


  1. I scrolled this feeling like Sally Field: "I hate these too! I really hate these!"
    Seriously, Benjamin Button? He was an old man in love with a little girl. It was all so weird and disgustnasting

  2. AMERICAN DREAMZ IS THE LITERAL WORST. I remember straight up leaving the room halfway through movie because it just sucked so hard.
    Have you ever seen "New York Minute" with the Olsen twins? Terrible.
    p.s. thanks for the shout out boo

  3. I LOVED Country Strong! Its not just you! I even bought the DVD and have watched it about 4 times! Its gorgeous!

  4. Country Strong is one of my favorite had a good deep message to it :) I haven't seen most of those movies and don't feel either way towards the ones that I have seen, but Something Borrowed. Gag, I hated that movie. So depressing and pathetic. UGH. okay.

  5. I agree :) The only one I kind of liked was "We are Marshall" but its not THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!
    Hmm the worst movie i've watched was "The Duchess", as beautiful as that movie is and as much as I LOVE Kira Knightly that movie is pretty harsh and hard to watch sometimes, defiantly not one of my favorites :o

  6. Ghost of Girlfriends Past - My sil tried to talk me into seeing this one. When it was mentioned,I literally had a small panic attack at the thought of watching this movie on purpose. Luckily I found a better movie and saved the day.

    Just My Luck - I literally remember nothing about this movie. I went in thinking,"Chris won't be too bad." About 20 minutes in,I realized that not even Chris Pine will keep me from walking away from this junk.

    and the Ugly Truth?..EW. Just NO. Gerard, WHY???