Tuesday, January 24, 2012


i've never been a very consistent blogger, especially recently, and i'd like to share why.
as a few of you might know, i've struggled with depression since i was in high school.
i tend not to talk about it with many people, and i never imagined sharing about it here. it always feels too dramatic, too bothersome. 

the severity of it can vary from month to month, day to day.
but this school year has been particularly difficult for me.
it feels like drowning.
around thanksgiving, i hit rock bottom.
i left school a few days early for break, skipping my classes entirely.
i deleted my facebook, took time off from the internet, and didn't talk to many people outside of my family.
i didn't feel i had much to say at all.

i spent my christmas break fighting hard to be happy, but it felt like i failed almost every day.
i certainly had exceptions- good days, good moments (especially when raven came.)
but more often than not, i felt consumed by my depression. 

the night i dropped raven off at the airport, i made a commitment to myself on the long drive home, that this was going to be the semester that i turned it all around. i was going to change my attitude.
you see, two of my roommates and closest friends are both studying abroad this semester, which is a huge change for me, and i don't particularly like change. 

and when i got to school, i really felt like i was right. that this was my year.
that feeling lasted about 5 days.
last week i had a really difficult week, one of the hardest weeks of my life. and just when i thought it would be over, i got sick. 
so i spent the weekend sick and miserable. i haven't felt that low in years.

but on sunday afternoon, as i laid in my bed, i had that 'aha' moment.
(you know, the one oprah's always talking about?)
i told myself that my pity party had lasted long enough.
so i got out of bed, and i made myself take a shower.
and i ate a real meal.
and i got a call for an interview at a job i had applied for.
(and i found out today that i got it!)

i know that i will always struggle with this disease. 
i could feel just as miserable tomorrow, next week, or next month.
but i am learning that the longer i allow myself to drown in it, the deeper i get.
maybe this semester isn't about having the best semester ever.
maybe it's just about picking myself up again, and living. 


  1. I'm sorry, I had no idea, but I know how it feels. This fall was the worst for me but it has been better for a while now. But it's scary being sort of happy. It feels like it's going to change any minute. But you learn new ways to work through sadness.
    And congrats on the job!

  2. Abbi you are so strong. Stronger than you know. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Wisdom that has helped me:
    "I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
    -Theodore I. Rubin, writer

  3. What is this, Abbi? It's like you wrote down everything I've been feeling these past years. Exactly the same... it's so weird. I am so upset that you're feeling the same way because if you must know, yeah I feel this way constantly and I never know why and it truly sucks. I don't usually like to call it depression, but maybe it is. Just so you know, you're not alone. You actually make life a little better every time I read your posts or when I see your tumblr. SO! If you ever need someone to talk to, now you know :)


  4. I'm so so glad you wrote this post. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and wondering how you were doing. Hmmm. You are SUCH an amazing person and I know you'll be able to pick yourself back up even if you fall over and over again and again. It's really easy to fall into a pit and fee like it's better to just stay in bed, and sometimes that is an okay thing, and sometimes it's not. But there's always that moment when the weight in your stomach has grown and grown and you realize you just have to get out of bed and go through the motions and then eventually it'll click and you'll feel alright again.

    Anyways. I love you. And you can always text/call if need to talk.

  5. This is beautiful. We all struggle- but it is totally all about picking yourself up and trying to do- even when it's so so hard. I struggle with it too. I find I'm so much happier when I try to serve others or help them- ESP when it's the last thing I want to do- because I'm so consumed with myself:) but that's when I forget myself and find joy. Glad I found your blog/ your inspiring!

  6. Wow. I have to tell you something. I was raised in a very Christian household. All my life I was told to believe something that I really wasn't sure of. I have battled with depression for the past several years of my life. A couple years ago a contemplated ending my life. At the time I was going through alot of changes and alot of heartache that was constantly pulling me down to the bottom. But, believe it or not, you part I the reason I got pulled out. After spending time with you and seeing how on fire you were for God, it brought back my thought of God's true existence and love. When I hit my worst days and suicide was approaching me as my solution, my thought was basically, I don't feel that God loves me. Which lead to the question, "if God doesn't love me, then how could anybody love me?" I talked to God that day. And gave myself to him, and asked hin to take this addiction and depression and hatred out of my life. And that's exactly what he did. I'm telling you this because you helped me grow as a person, and most importantly in my relationship with God. You are such a breath taking young lady and I wanted you to know how loved you truly are. You are one of the most genuine and beautiful people that I have been so lucky to have had in my life. Depression isn't an easy thing to escape, I know. But you should always remember you will always be so loved by a compassionate God, all of your friends and family, and me. Thank you for all that you have done for me. With all my love...

  7. I am at a loss. Wow. This all means so much to me. Anon, I would love to talk to you, if you're comfortable emailing me or something of the sort. If not, that is completely ok, and I thank you so much for your kind words I surely don't deserve. I can't imagine how I could have helped you, but it makes me unbelievably joyful that your life has changed so drastically. I wish you all the best, and again, thank you.

  8. Abbi,
    Just when I think that I couldn't admire you any more, you turn around and post this. I am so so sorry that you have had such a difficult time, but I know that you can make this semester as fulfilling as you want to. Even though we're on different sides of the country, I'm here to help if you hit any roadblocks along the way. Really, I'm so inspired by your determination to make your life the way you want it to be. Before I ramble on any further, I just want to say that I am so glad that I met you through blogging this year, and you bring so much light to a world that can get pretty ugly. I'll be praying that things shift in your favor, and again, I'm always available if you need anything. Thank you for being such a wonderful role model and person.

  9. I know that I'm not able to fully understand what you're dealing with, as much as I would like to, but what I do know is that by picking yourself up and finding the will to move on you've proven that you're stronger than this illness. Don't ever forget that.


  10. I would like to email you sometime, or something if that nature pick your brain a bit, and you can do the same. I will at some point. Just got to get that timing right. I just feel like we are the same person sometimes. I know I'll hear from you sooner or later, in the mean time, pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Look forward, and know how greatly loved you are. God bless you, Abbi.